surprise visits are a bitch
2003-11-09
@ 7:16 p.m.
my past came back to haunt me today... showed up right on my doorstep. i didn't realize i had left a forwarding address. but there she stood, nonetheless - with her long chestnut hair and wide brown eyes... bruised and swollen and asking for the same old favors. the same old answers.
"you didn't really think you were done with me for good, did you?" she asked, crossing her arms. "did you think i couldn't find you? that i wasn't coming back?"
well, that was kind of what i was counting on when i snuck away, i thought. that's why i left while you were sleeping... changed my name, cut my hair.
"aren't you going to ask me to come in?" she asked, shifting her weight to the other foot impatiently. i looked her up and down for a moment... standing there in the cold gray air, her hip jutted out, the color draining from her lips. my god she looks young. just a baby, really. is that dried blood in her hair? i wonder how many years it's been there. i wonder if she remembers...
"i've been looking for you for a while now," she said, stepping past me. "been right on your ass a couple of times, picking up your breadcrumbs." she patted her pocket absently as she spun around the living room, indicating she had saved them all. she saves everything, as i recall. i remember that coat, as a matter of fact. black leather, scuffed at the elbows, cigarette burn under the lapel. and i know for a fact that the lining is ripped out of the left sleeve. i'll bet she saved that too.
"it looks like you're doing pretty well for yourself. nice place, kinda small... but it beats the hell out of cowtown, right?" she said with a contemptuous snort. i didn't answer. "i'm sure it beats the hell out of living with me. living with me was never easy."
"no." i whispered. "no it wasn't." she isn't as tall as i remembered. "what are you doing here?"
"oh, you know... just dropping by to say hello. check in on you," she shrugged.
"no you're not," i protested, moving toward the window. the colorless grass outside was covered in brown leaves - dead leaves. where did summer go?
"no," she looked sad for a moment. "no, you're right. i was rummaging through some old boxes and found some things i thought you'd be needing." she reached her hand into the inside coat pocket - the one where she carries her marlboro reds - and pulled out a large envelope, yellowed with time. "i thought today would be a good day... considering..."
"considering the news?" i asked.
she nodded.
i never could keep a secret from her. i've tried, believe me. she held it out for me but i didn't want it - didn't even want to touch it. i couldn't make my arm move... my feet move... i couldn't find my voice. it's poison, you know. my poison... my wrath and my death - hail mary, mother of god... FUCK how does the rest of it go and why won't she go and where the hell am i supposed to go now?
she rolled her eyes at me, those blackened-bruised eyes, and tossed it on the table. "don't be such a fucking idiot," she snapped. that was always her pet name for me. "you know you're going to open it as soon as i'm gone - just admit it."
i stood frozen.
"christ, you're ridiculous. what are you SCARED of?" she yelled, stepping toward me. fuckfuckfuckfuck "is it me? are you scared of me? are you scared of yourself?" she screamed, grabbing my hair in her fist and twisting my head around. "you have grown more and more pathetic, haven't you? i always knew you would." then she spun on her heel and walked out the door, calling "i'll be back" over her shoulder.
and she will.
she'll keep coming back.
maybe i should change my name again. buy a pair of dark sunglasses and a cheap suitcase. maybe i should run because running is the only thing i was ever really good at. but i'm beginning to believe that it's useless. to run. from myself.
