a few fleeting and threadbare thoughts...
2003-11-22
@ 8:37 p.m.
for a brief moment i'm certain i crawled out of my skin. not in a smooth and coordinated gesture of rebirth as a molting reptile, but a jittering, circling frenzy as if a colony of insects had infested... invaded just beneath my surface determined to gnaw away my sanity's very foundation.
for a brief moment i was wracked with a living anxiety. my eyes rebelled against every organized attempt to grip the last bleak ray of reality as they took on the rhythmic sacrificial drumbeat that stole my sight... in three-quarter time. my hands gripping - ripping at my hair, my face, my stomach and thighs in a meaningless gesture to extract the poisoned parade of ideas running through my body from their twisted roots.
where was my madness conceived?
i looked in the mirror and realized that i am not great friends with myself. realized that i want no part of the life that i've created. realized that no matter how many times i change jobs, change cities, change lovers, change mirrors... my dissatisfaction will forever be a step behind me - stalking me - dragging me into dark alleyways and stealing my breath.
where does contentment lie?
i remember believing that i held something profound. but today - as most days - i am merely a puppet going through the motions. hollow. cold. painted-on smile and hanging by a thin fucking thread. how long is a girl supposed to hang on?
